Thursday, September 18, 2003
I just received the most amazing email.
Here it is, with my response.
I hope I hear back from them soon!
Good day,
I am Mr.Gerald Obi, Bank Manager of Invertment Banking & Trust Company
(IBTC), Lagos Branch. I have an urgent and very confidential business
proposition for you. On June 6th 1997, a consultant with a Foreign
Petroleum company, Mr. Karl Philip, made a numbered time (Fixed) deposited
for twelve calendar months, valued at US$25,000,000.00 (TWENTY FIVE
Million United States Dollars) in my branch. Upon maturity, I sent a
routine notification to his forwarding address but got no reply. After a
month, we sent a reminder and finally we discovered from his contract
employers that Mr. Karl Philip died from an automobile accident. On further
investigation, I found out that he did not leave a WILL and all attempts to
trace his next of kin were fruitless. I made further investigation and
discovered that Mr. Karl Philip did not declare any next of kin on all his
official documents, including his Bank Deposit paperwork. This sum of
US$25,000,000.00 is still sitting in the Bank and the interest is being
rolled over with the principal sum at the end of each year. No one will
come forward to claim it.
According to our banking Laws, at the expiration of 7 (seven) years, the
money will revert to the ownership of the Government if nobody applies to
claim the funds.
Consequently, my proposal is that I would like you as a foreigner to stand
in as the next of kin to Mr. Karl Philip so that the fruits of this old
man's labor will not get into the hands of some corrupt officials. This is
simple I will like you to provide me immediately with your full names and
address so that the attorney will prepare the necessary documents which
will put you in place as the next of kin. We shall employ the services of
two attorneys for drafting of a letter of probate/administration in your
favor. A bank account in any part of the world, which you provide (it could
have a zero amount in it), will then facilitate the transfer of this money
to you as the beneficiary/next of kin. The money will be paid into your
account for us to share in the ratio of what we would both agree on. There
is no risk at all as all the paperwork for this transaction will be done by
the attorney and my position as the Branch Manager guarantees the
successful execution of this transaction. If you are interested, please
reply immediately via the email address:gobi5@tiscali.co.uk Upon your
response, I shall then provide you with more details and relevant documents
that will help you understand. Please observe utmost confidentiality, and
rest assured that this transaction would be most profitable for both of us
because I shall require your assistance to invest my share in your country.
Awaiting your urgent reply via email
Best regards,
Gerald Obi.
and i said:
Dear Mr. Gerald Obi,
Wow! 25 million dollars!? That sure would pay off my student loans, and then sum!! I was so excited when I got your email, that I could hardly sleep! I do think that you are the answer to all of my prayers! I discussed this prospect with my boyfriend, and he said to make sure that this was legal, or at least a fairly safe venture, becuz "the last thing we need is the cops breathing down our necks!" Boy, I'll say!
I wouldn't mind posing as Mr. Philip's long lost cousin twice removed. I have other doubts, though! Has your bank done a thorough investigation on the kin of Mr. Philip? I would hate to spend all of his money on a new house and furniture that I worked so hard to pick out, and then have to give it all away to some Philip relative that didn't even care enough to notice that poor Karl had died!!
Please let me know about these details,
and tell me what I have to do to help you MAKE US RICH!
Your Soon to Be Business Partner,
A
PS~ Will I have to fake a British accent? Cuz I can! My roommate used to be from Britland!
*sigh*
I'll be on the road by the time I hear back from him, probably.
Follow our trek across the midwest!
www.roadwanderers.com
Here it is, with my response.
I hope I hear back from them soon!
Good day,
I am Mr.Gerald Obi, Bank Manager of Invertment Banking & Trust Company
(IBTC), Lagos Branch. I have an urgent and very confidential business
proposition for you. On June 6th 1997, a consultant with a Foreign
Petroleum company, Mr. Karl Philip, made a numbered time (Fixed) deposited
for twelve calendar months, valued at US$25,000,000.00 (TWENTY FIVE
Million United States Dollars) in my branch. Upon maturity, I sent a
routine notification to his forwarding address but got no reply. After a
month, we sent a reminder and finally we discovered from his contract
employers that Mr. Karl Philip died from an automobile accident. On further
investigation, I found out that he did not leave a WILL and all attempts to
trace his next of kin were fruitless. I made further investigation and
discovered that Mr. Karl Philip did not declare any next of kin on all his
official documents, including his Bank Deposit paperwork. This sum of
US$25,000,000.00 is still sitting in the Bank and the interest is being
rolled over with the principal sum at the end of each year. No one will
come forward to claim it.
According to our banking Laws, at the expiration of 7 (seven) years, the
money will revert to the ownership of the Government if nobody applies to
claim the funds.
Consequently, my proposal is that I would like you as a foreigner to stand
in as the next of kin to Mr. Karl Philip so that the fruits of this old
man's labor will not get into the hands of some corrupt officials. This is
simple I will like you to provide me immediately with your full names and
address so that the attorney will prepare the necessary documents which
will put you in place as the next of kin. We shall employ the services of
two attorneys for drafting of a letter of probate/administration in your
favor. A bank account in any part of the world, which you provide (it could
have a zero amount in it), will then facilitate the transfer of this money
to you as the beneficiary/next of kin. The money will be paid into your
account for us to share in the ratio of what we would both agree on. There
is no risk at all as all the paperwork for this transaction will be done by
the attorney and my position as the Branch Manager guarantees the
successful execution of this transaction. If you are interested, please
reply immediately via the email address:gobi5@tiscali.co.uk Upon your
response, I shall then provide you with more details and relevant documents
that will help you understand. Please observe utmost confidentiality, and
rest assured that this transaction would be most profitable for both of us
because I shall require your assistance to invest my share in your country.
Awaiting your urgent reply via email
Best regards,
Gerald Obi.
and i said:
Dear Mr. Gerald Obi,
Wow! 25 million dollars!? That sure would pay off my student loans, and then sum!! I was so excited when I got your email, that I could hardly sleep! I do think that you are the answer to all of my prayers! I discussed this prospect with my boyfriend, and he said to make sure that this was legal, or at least a fairly safe venture, becuz "the last thing we need is the cops breathing down our necks!" Boy, I'll say!
I wouldn't mind posing as Mr. Philip's long lost cousin twice removed. I have other doubts, though! Has your bank done a thorough investigation on the kin of Mr. Philip? I would hate to spend all of his money on a new house and furniture that I worked so hard to pick out, and then have to give it all away to some Philip relative that didn't even care enough to notice that poor Karl had died!!
Please let me know about these details,
and tell me what I have to do to help you MAKE US RICH!
Your Soon to Be Business Partner,
A
PS~ Will I have to fake a British accent? Cuz I can! My roommate used to be from Britland!
*sigh*
I'll be on the road by the time I hear back from him, probably.
Follow our trek across the midwest!
www.roadwanderers.com
Wednesday, September 17, 2003
I haven't posted in a very long time.
After this, I probably won't post for another long time.
I have reasons (excuses) for that. (see below)
But I've been putting all my time and effort into an ephemeral site that runs it's course in the next three weeks.
http://www.geocities.com/brookedelindsey/Road_Trip_2003
This site is mostly the bloodsweatntears of MissZinny, but I've contributed on a soulful level.
My point is that I've caught the bug.
My wireless card comes in the mail tomorrow,
and when I get home from Wisconsin, I want to build an internet wonderland of parody sites
and ebaygimmicks and photogalleries.
So this is my statement of intent.
I plan to return to you, Internet, my forgiving and frigid mistress.
Excuses for being another jackass to abandon a blog after a month or so:
1) I moved. It's a big deal. Everything changed. I even wear more eyeliner now.
2) I had no internet. This isn't really a valid excuse, because if I spared one small fraction of the time that I spent selling the contents of my closet on ebay, I'd have a novel. Regardless, blogging wasn't as lucrative, and I was unemployed and eating cocktail onions.
3) No material. Not to say nothing has happened.
Every moment is a damned episode, minus the laughtrak.
But I tend to operate without my left hand knowing what my right's up to.
Which is tricky when using dvorak and I have to describe the night without any vowel cooperation. My right hand sounds like dehydrated eastern european. Bah. . . . In short, I don't know who reads this. I wake up at night with the thought of my grandmother running a search for "homo prison", and before I know it I've alienated my token gay uncle.
I've moved on from that paranoia, or at least willing to suppress it.
If anything I write ever gets big enough to land on my family's pc by sheer dumb luck,
I would be pseudo-celebrity enough to sell t-shirts depicting the violent fallout
and use the proceedings to buy new parents.
And to prove my new spirit of intrepidation towards the internet:
I like Mom more than you, Dad.
Seriously. The quickest way to my heart is through your banking account.
Oh God.
You know I didn't mean that, right?
I like you both just the same!
You understand this is a weird pseudo-parody blog where I'm hardened by the anonomity of it all, right? Dad...you were never meant to find this site.
Dad...
...I'm starving.
Please send cash.
Love, Me.
After this, I probably won't post for another long time.
I have reasons (excuses) for that. (see below)
But I've been putting all my time and effort into an ephemeral site that runs it's course in the next three weeks.
http://www.geocities.com/brookedelindsey/Road_Trip_2003
This site is mostly the bloodsweatntears of MissZinny, but I've contributed on a soulful level.
My point is that I've caught the bug.
My wireless card comes in the mail tomorrow,
and when I get home from Wisconsin, I want to build an internet wonderland of parody sites
and ebaygimmicks and photogalleries.
So this is my statement of intent.
I plan to return to you, Internet, my forgiving and frigid mistress.
Excuses for being another jackass to abandon a blog after a month or so:
1) I moved. It's a big deal. Everything changed. I even wear more eyeliner now.
2) I had no internet. This isn't really a valid excuse, because if I spared one small fraction of the time that I spent selling the contents of my closet on ebay, I'd have a novel. Regardless, blogging wasn't as lucrative, and I was unemployed and eating cocktail onions.
3) No material. Not to say nothing has happened.
Every moment is a damned episode, minus the laughtrak.
But I tend to operate without my left hand knowing what my right's up to.
Which is tricky when using dvorak and I have to describe the night without any vowel cooperation. My right hand sounds like dehydrated eastern european. Bah. . . . In short, I don't know who reads this. I wake up at night with the thought of my grandmother running a search for "homo prison", and before I know it I've alienated my token gay uncle.
I've moved on from that paranoia, or at least willing to suppress it.
If anything I write ever gets big enough to land on my family's pc by sheer dumb luck,
I would be pseudo-celebrity enough to sell t-shirts depicting the violent fallout
and use the proceedings to buy new parents.
And to prove my new spirit of intrepidation towards the internet:
I like Mom more than you, Dad.
Seriously. The quickest way to my heart is through your banking account.
Oh God.
You know I didn't mean that, right?
I like you both just the same!
You understand this is a weird pseudo-parody blog where I'm hardened by the anonomity of it all, right? Dad...you were never meant to find this site.
Dad...
...I'm starving.
Please send cash.
Love, Me.
Monday, August 25, 2003
Called the local community college.
No admissions this late in the game, save for the kind of sexual favors that would compromise my soul.
I'm still your uneducated local waitress.
No admissions this late in the game, save for the kind of sexual favors that would compromise my soul.
I'm still your uneducated local waitress.
Settling into the lovely town of Sarasota, and woke up this morning with an insatiable thirst for ginger ale and the internet. I am hijacking a roommate's computer until I find the motivation to unpack the knot of computer wires.
It's been four days, and I promised myself I'd be awake four hours ago finding a job. I wasn't. Unemployment has a lure I can't quite put my finger on. It might have something to do with sleeping ten hours a day.
Things are pretty self-centric under this rock, and I am going to scour the world wide web for impertinent bits of pop culture until my roommate wakes up and asks who the hell I think I am.
It's been four days, and I promised myself I'd be awake four hours ago finding a job. I wasn't. Unemployment has a lure I can't quite put my finger on. It might have something to do with sleeping ten hours a day.
Things are pretty self-centric under this rock, and I am going to scour the world wide web for impertinent bits of pop culture until my roommate wakes up and asks who the hell I think I am.
Tuesday, August 19, 2003
What's with the weird punked out duck mascot for BubbleYum?
I don't want to come off as misanthropic with this question,
because I love BubbleYum as much as the next gum chewer...
but isn't a DUCK with pink hair, a spiked collar and nose ring unsettling to anyone else?
I tried to look into it, and all I could find out was that his name was Floyd.
Pink Floyd. Oh, I get it. He's a rock n roller.
On the bright side, they have a variety of Floyd downloads for you to stare at
while you try to figure out this enigmatic duck.
I don't want to come off as misanthropic with this question,
because I love BubbleYum as much as the next gum chewer...
but isn't a DUCK with pink hair, a spiked collar and nose ring unsettling to anyone else?
I tried to look into it, and all I could find out was that his name was Floyd.
Pink Floyd. Oh, I get it. He's a rock n roller.
On the bright side, they have a variety of Floyd downloads for you to stare at
while you try to figure out this enigmatic duck.
Monday, August 18, 2003
Since the popularization of the -core suffix, musical genres are becoming too varied and meaningless to be worth keeping track of. I think a new musical credo should simplify my life and cd selections: If it's not Talking Heads, I'm not listening to it.
Friday, August 15, 2003
Grandparents will inevitably make the obligatory comments about how tall you are, and where on earth in the gene pool did you get your height from...nonetheless, I was still taken aback when my Grandmother pops out with, "Strange that every other woman in the family has larger breasts, isn't it?"
Whatwut?
"Well, what God's forgotten we replace with cotton, I always say."
My grandmother just suggested I stuff,
and used the most ridiculous rhyme I think I've ever heard.
Poll: Do I laugh or cry?
"Aw jeez, Gramma, just leave money in your will for me to get implants."
Whatwut?
"Well, what God's forgotten we replace with cotton, I always say."
My grandmother just suggested I stuff,
and used the most ridiculous rhyme I think I've ever heard.
Poll: Do I laugh or cry?
"Aw jeez, Gramma, just leave money in your will for me to get implants."
Movin' On Up In a Pseudo-Intellectual Melee
My new flatmates in Sarasota are a much more cultured crew than the Orlando kids. Instead of sitting around all day playing Smash Bros 'Meh-Lee' tournaments, my new household plays Smash Bros 'May-Lay'.
And I am a wolf among lambs, because they don't know how volatile I am with Pikkachu.
My new flatmates in Sarasota are a much more cultured crew than the Orlando kids. Instead of sitting around all day playing Smash Bros 'Meh-Lee' tournaments, my new household plays Smash Bros 'May-Lay'.
And I am a wolf among lambs, because they don't know how volatile I am with Pikkachu.
Thursday, August 14, 2003
Fear and loathing in Orlando for two days straight now;
I've been twitchier than Michael J. Fox on an ephedrine binge.
Two nights ago I got pulled over at 4 ayem.
My license has been suspended for unpaid tickets for about a year,
and the natural law of the universe dictated that I should spend the night in jail.
I was brought a minute away from having my forehead smashed into the hood of my car,
and then it was all over with a curt, 'Get along home, Ma'am.'
In a beautiful and timely burst of static on the walkietalkie,
the officer was unable to hear the rap sheet on me
and sent me on my way.
Finding my way home was a miracle
from behind my eerie mix of frantic sobbing and maniacal laughter,
and I never felt so grateful to be sleeping on my parents' couch.
I didn't even mind when my mother's dog laid down on me and tried to make me her bitch.
It could have been a lot worse.
Alright;
obviously, I'm getting messages from a higher power,
but I still have questions:
Is the point that I should learn my lesson and pay off my tickets,
or that I am invincible and couldn't even get arrested if I started burning cute puppies in the streets?
I won't be able to test this, because I can't afford a cute puppy.
I think it might just be a cosmic sweeps week,
and the fates are working overtime
bringing the stars to the edges of their seats.
I promised my grandmother I would drive over there this afternoon
and help her make 200 blondie brownies for my mother's MaryKay party.
This is the better end of the deal...
my sister has to clean the bathrooms.
I've been twitchier than Michael J. Fox on an ephedrine binge.
Two nights ago I got pulled over at 4 ayem.
My license has been suspended for unpaid tickets for about a year,
and the natural law of the universe dictated that I should spend the night in jail.
I was brought a minute away from having my forehead smashed into the hood of my car,
and then it was all over with a curt, 'Get along home, Ma'am.'
In a beautiful and timely burst of static on the walkietalkie,
the officer was unable to hear the rap sheet on me
and sent me on my way.
Finding my way home was a miracle
from behind my eerie mix of frantic sobbing and maniacal laughter,
and I never felt so grateful to be sleeping on my parents' couch.
I didn't even mind when my mother's dog laid down on me and tried to make me her bitch.
It could have been a lot worse.
Alright;
obviously, I'm getting messages from a higher power,
but I still have questions:
Is the point that I should learn my lesson and pay off my tickets,
or that I am invincible and couldn't even get arrested if I started burning cute puppies in the streets?
I won't be able to test this, because I can't afford a cute puppy.
I think it might just be a cosmic sweeps week,
and the fates are working overtime
bringing the stars to the edges of their seats.
I promised my grandmother I would drive over there this afternoon
and help her make 200 blondie brownies for my mother's MaryKay party.
This is the better end of the deal...
my sister has to clean the bathrooms.
